FO News Roundup: May 14, 2010

Been a while, but we're alive and well. Well, I am.

• Jennifer Aniston isn't -- repeat, isn't -- eating baby food. But her publicist is glad you asked. (P)
• Another iPhone prototype leaked, and (presumably) another Apple employee publicly chastised . . . and privately patted on the backside for a job well done. (P)
• Harvard College expels student for trying to hack into a computer to change his grade. Sounds like Harvard Business School material to me. (P)
• Mr. President, I was willing to dismiss the White Sox cap as a lovable quirk. But this is downright offensive. (P)
• "Mama grizzlies?" I guess "hockey mom" didn't have the legs we all thought it did. (P)
• "Law and Order: Why It Was Important, and Why You Weren't Watching It." Answers in the questions, really. (P)
• Hm. Why don't we just agree it's really frickin' big, definition entirely subjective, and get on with plugging the leak? (P)
• And here I was wondering why Connie Selecca wasn't answering my letters. (P)

FO News Roundup: February 27, 2010

Special Weekend Edition!

• You know, you try and try and try to stay "neutral" in world affairs, and still some psycho foists a jihad on you. What's a country like Switzerland to do? (P)
• Some 700 Club intern just got called in on the weekend to figure out how Chile might have offended Pat Robertson's God. Better get that research done by Sunday, dude, or you'll be struck by lightning. (P)
• Talk about your tin ear for politics: PETA's protesting Sea World shows that exploit murderous killer whales that kill. (P)
• Jenny Sanford gets to divorce her husband. Why doesn't the rest of South Carolina? (P)
• Just like A-Rod to get into a "fender bender" in his Maybach. If you're gonna crash a half-million dollar sports car, frickin' do it right. (P)
• Rick Perry is poised to win the Republican primary for Governor of Texas. And of course, if he loses, he'll run for President. Of Texas. (P)
• C'mon, Fitty: what's the point of being a famous hip-hop artist, if you have to Photoshop yourself into amateur sex videos? (P)

FO News Roundup, February 23, 2010

Seven bullets today:

• Mass killer and IHOP suckerpuncher Amy Bishop may have planted a "herpes bomb" in her lab building. The jokes just write themselves these days. (P)
• Apple's iPhone Patrol: please leave the sex apps to the professionals, people. But as always, keep the fart apps coming. (P)
  
• Nurse, get me 100 ccs of Viagra, with a Cialis chaser. Boner's gone missing! (P)
• If Elvis left the building, would Schiphol air security notice? Because they sure as hell didn't see him coming in. (P)
• Have a heart, Albania. (Yeah, we've done that line before, but who's gonna know?) (P)
• Brown votes for the jobs bill. What kind of Republican are you, Scott? (P)
• Lost in the Fox News outrage: the patriotic hero of their story thinks the Pledge of Allegiance is the "national anthem." (P)

FO News Roundup: February 19, 2010

SEVEN bullets. Has to be a record (note that none of them carry (M)s):

• "Troubling." Fox News comments on the loss of a reader. (P)
• Hate to harp on a sentiment, but EAT IT, CHINA. (P)
• Am I the only person in the world who thinks it's terrific that Google has scanned millions of out-of-print books and proposes to make them available to anyone with an Internet connection? Apparently. (P)
• We all know Boston hasn't been the same since Cheers left the air, but "less drunk" than a city in Utah? COME ON! (P)
• Look out, Silver Screen: snappy artificial mother/daughter repartee is coming for you. (P)
• SHOCKER (sez Us Magazine): JWoww and Snooki aren't Italian. Adjust your stereotypes accordingly. (P)
• FO exclusive sneak peak at Tiger's statement: "I did it all for the makeup sex. Right, baby? Baby?" (P)

FO News Roundup, February 12, 2010

Quotes, quotes, quotes:

• Michelle Obama on Sarah Palin: "I try not to set opinions about people that I haven't had a substantive interaction with." But if everyone adopted that view, who would have an opinion about Sarah Palin? (P)
• Texas Athletic Director on new NCAA recruiting rules: "Obviously, since this legislation impacts only two programs in the country, we feel we are being singled out." (P, with nothing to add)
• John Mayer on the "N-word": "It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it, because I realize that there's no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged." How about "it was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize anything, because I'm John Mayer?" (P)
• Spokesperson for anti-whaling org on recent activity in the Japan Sea: "A Sea Shepherd Delta launched from the Steve Irwin annoyed the harpoon vessels with rotten butter bomb attacks." What?!? Are Kim Jong-Il's PR people moonlighting? (P)
  

FO News Roundup, February 4, 2010

• "I hate Valentine's Day. You pay a ton of money, you get this lousy prix fixe menu, the service sucks, and you end up spending three hours across the table from your woman, starting to look like Ruth Bader Ginsburg." CNN's Ashton Kutcher fetish subsists, unabated. (P)


• Scott Brown takes office, Dow plunges 270 points. Just sayin'. (P)



• Pluto's PR people make their case for planethood (photo at right). Really? Is that the best you can do? (P)
• C'mon already: it's a Prius. Brakes? We don't need no steenkeen' brakes! (P)

FO News Roundup: February 3, 2010

• I have to struggle to imagine J.D. Salinger driving a Land Cruiser. Not sure why, but I picture writers in beat-up Volvos. (P)
• Punxsutawney Phil (the little shit) predicts 6 more weeks of winter. No word from him on when we'll have an economic recovery. (P)
• Ten films tapped for Best Picture! A cynical plot to sell more movie tickets? You tell me: they did nominate The Blind Side, for crying out loud. (P)
• If you've been waiting 20 years for the "Real Story" about Milli Vanilli, then this article's for you. Also, let us know so we can ban you from accessing our site. (P)
• $768.2 billion. Maybe we should apply "don't ask, don't tell" to the defense budget. (P)
• "Fucking retarded," were Rahm Emmanuel's words, to which Sarah Palin takes offense — at "retarded" on Trig's behalf, and at "fucking" on Bristol's. (P)
• U.S. government: don't drive your Toyotas. No conflict of interest there. (P)
  

FO News Roundup: January 29, 2010

• Senator John Cornyn would fault Obama for offering substantive criticism of a SCOTUS opinion, with the Justices in the room. Whereas it's just fine to suggest, in the same room, that judges are asking to get shot because of their liberal opinions. Really, the GOP couldn't find someone with more moral authority to argue this point? (P)
• Really? UBL's quoting Noam Chomsky and ranting about climate change? Guess indiscriminate slaughter of infidels isn't the winner of an issue it once was. (P)
• Mr. Salinger, meet John Lennon. He's got a bone to pick with you. (P)
• There's no truth to the rumor that the body was found holding a Monkey's Paw. (P)
• John Edwards made a sex tape with Rielle Hunter, presumably on the theory that no one would ever want to watch that long enough to confirm who was on it. (P)

FO News Roundup: January 21, 2010

• Bowling Alley Turf Wars in Jersey: A Farce in Three Lines. Arsonist 1: “Can you spare a match?” Arsonist 2: “Here’s one, now strike it.” Arsonist 1: “Done. It’s 7:10. We’d better split.” (P, here all week, unfortunately).
• Cindy McCain has duct tape on her mouth to support same-sex marriage. Can we get some on her husband? (P)
• Your honor, I move to dismiss this complaint as baseless. The plaintiff didn't slip on butter. She slipped on butter-flavored topping. (P)

FO News Roundup: January 20, 2010

• Coakley pollster: this wasn't our fault, Dems will get crushed everywhere in November, you'll see, etc. Translation: it was our fault, here's more proof, and now we're gonna take you all down with us. (P)
• Sorry, Pudge, but not everything stays fair. (P)
• Brittany Murphy had a "fear of dying." And then she died. Which makes her just like everyone else, only famouser. (P)
• You thought the a la carte checked luggage fees were rough. Now Air France proposes to charge you for your carry-on fat. (P)
• N.Y. dealers to N.J.: quit bogarting our business with your "medicinal purposes" law! (P)

FO News Roundup: January 19, 2010

Hold those dinner plans. Macaweggie is coming to town.

• Wait, so he probably isn't even the killer? And he's only getting 5 years knocked off a 30-year sentence? Oh, Boston Herald: you had me nice and hopping mad with the "NJ governor releases murderer" headline, and then those lefties at the AP screwed it up with their facts. (P)
• Oh, pow! That's ROUGH! Oh, wait: turns out Rachel Alexandra is actually a horse. (P)
• In business news, Kraft's buying Cadbury. Mac and cheese with creme eggs in 'em. (P)
• The Chinese government doesn't like Avatar. The American right doesn't like Avatar. Ergo, the American right is just like the Chinese government. Well, they're both buzzkillers, anyway. (P)

FO News Roundup: January 18, 2009

Stray bullets have their merits, but we prefer to fire off our ammo in concentrated bursts. And so, the Roundup is back:

• An 80,000 square-foot Planned Parenthood facility just opened in Houston. That'll be fun for all concerned. (P)
• "Stab-vests" with the Cross of St. George on them — in case you had any illusions that the World Cup could help build goodwill among nations. (P)
• God bless you, sir. You made our bland old lives Supreme, and all it took was sour cream and tomatoes. (P)
• Universal Health Care: "I was born in Massachusetts, and I'll die in Massachusetts." (P)
• "HELL, NO! WE WON'T ADAGIO!" (P, cringing)

FO News Roundup: January 7, 2010

"Hey, I heard you missed us, WE'RE BACK!" Thank you, David Lee Roth.

• Mass. lawmaker blames failed Breathalyzer test on his toothpaste. An unlikely story, indeed, and we're toasting the Boston Herald for road-testing the defense. Here's to you, boys! (P, downs Sensodyne and soda)
• Why is there a cork on the chopstick? To prevent Ruprecht from hurting himself. (P, M)
• "Coated in Controversy" over a picture of the President, "Obama made mistake", "Advantage GOP?", "Right optimistic", "Health Care: Critics eye deficit", "Fox Forum: Balance of power starting to tip", "You Decide: Most troubling issues for Dems". I believe that's a new record: seven anti-Dem/pro-Rep bits in the tiny headline box all at once. (M)
• Amend for Arnold! Let's play "Count the Democratic Weasels Who Won't Support This for Fear of Their Union Paymasters." Now let's play "Count the Republican Weasels Who Will Criticize Supporters for Any Repeat Offender Released before the End of His Natural Life." (M)
• In the beginning, there was Jared Fogle. Now Taco Bell's touting this Christine Dougherty character. Fame and fortune await you, if you can lose weight eating nothing but a single restaurant chain's fast food. I'll do McDonald's! Oh, wait. Crap. (P)
  

FO News Roundup: July 10, 2009

• China's President says "stability is paramount" and the Uighurs need to be "dealt a blow." Clearly he's more of a Grinch than a Hu. (P)
• North Korea attacks! Well, virtually, anyway. And here we thought they only bought that computer so Kim could play Lode Runner. (P)
• A stampeding bull gores a man to death in Pamplona, while a bear market chastens Wall Street bankers. Can't win for losing. (P)
• Basic services are nice and all, but statuary inspires. So it goes in Uttar Pradesh. (P)
• Next on the agenda, poverty and starvation. Ah, just in the time for the white asparagus and truffle soup. Waiter, can you take these leavings to the African contingent out in the hall? (P)
• "Death by Chocolate": not just a ha-ha funny dessert name anymore. Thanks, menu-writers, for tempting fate. (P)
• (Speaking of tempting fate . . . ) is this really the best al Qaeda can do? (P)
  

FO News Roundup: July 3, 2009

It's Freud's birthday today, so we're all about sex and death. Actually, we lied: it's not Freud's birthday. Can you ever trust us again?

• Look, dude. You didn't have to propose to her to get her to say "yes, yes, yes, like 500 times super fast in a row." Oh, no, wait: you're a Jonas Brother, so maybe you did. (P)
• The Delhi High Court has upheld the right to gay sex between consenting adults. A "director's cut" of the Kama Sutra will hit the streets next week. (P)
• Debbie Rowe was a "baby machine" for Michael Jackson, who apparently ditched her at the hospital and ran off with his newborn daughter "with all the placenta all over her." Somewhere, a middle-aged Billy Jean just kicked a hole in the wall. (P)
• If you thought Billy Mays was only an American icon, think again: Chinaview.cn is covering his death. And so it is that great cultural gaps are closed by a dab or two of Mighty Mend-It. (P)
• A new study shows that cardiac arrest is a really dangerous and shitty thing to happen to you. (P)
• No link here — it's been taken down — but CNN was advertising a feature that purported to cover the "highlights of Michael Jackson's life and death." My favorite part of his death was the bit where he came back as a zombie and began to dance, in block formation, with some acquaintances from the cemetery. Well, that and the cardiac arrest. No. The zombie dancing bit was probably better. Less edgy. (P)
• Last, but not least: we're all going to die this fall. Thank you, and good night. (P)

FO News Roundup: June 24, 2009

This Roundup started like any old Roundup. But the twists and turns of the Mark Sanford story just took it over.

• "Arthur Caplan, Ph.D." wants to know how Steve Jobs got to the front of the transplant line. Like any of 100,000 Macopaths wouldn't offer up his liver to Jobs free of charge. (P)
• Off the grid and inaccessible for days on end. Just what we want in a [Republican] President? (P)
• Turns out Governor Sanford was up hiking the Appalachian Trail . . . on Naked Hiking Day. We'll take the high road here (pun intended) and assume that wasn't his plan. (P)
• Oh, no wait. He wasn't on the Appalachian Trail; he was in Argentina. "We knew he was somewhere that started with an A," said staffers. (P)
• Wait wait wait, there's more: speaking of A's, Sanford ought to be wearing a scarlet one. Please, oh, please let the Argentine paramour's name be Elizabeth. I've been trying to find a way to work "I'm coming, Elizabeth!" into this post for hours now. (P)
• Same link, new bullet: Sanford has taken the extreme atonement step of resigning his post as President of the Republican Governor's Association. Word is he also plans to kick himself out of the Columbia Kiwanis Club. (P)
  

FO News Roundup: June 23, 2009

Poisonous Burkas, Poisonous Ayatollahs, Poisonous Preachers, and Poisonous Cookie Dough:

• Take, for example, zis lovely wife of mine, yes? Next slide, s'il vous plait. How would I know I wanted to marry zis woman, if I had not seen her tremendous — 'ow you say zis? — breasts in these Italian magazines? (P)
• This product could give you vomiting, abdominal cramps, and diarrhea. On the other hand, it's delicious chocolate chip cookie dough. And you thought Hamlet's decision was hard. (P)
• Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my clients did threaten and harass Mr. Bierfeldt. But I ask you to consider the uncontroverted evidence, which shows he is kind of a self-righteous dick. (P)
• You asked for a right-winger's conundrum, Redneck? Well, you got it. What's a decent, red-blooded, wolf-hunting, bible-thumping, rootin'-tootin', Real American supposed to think about the right of terrorists to buy guns? (M)
• Jeremiah, you got to listen to your pal the Ayatollah. It's Zionists controlling the media, not Jews controlling the President. Get your poisonous, hateful, and insane rhetoric right, would you? (M)
  

FO News Roundup: July 17, 2009

There was music in the Cafes at night and Revolution in the air.

• Finally we can get the news from Iran directly without passing it through the biased filter of CNN and the rest of the liberal media. (M)
• Thanks to all the men and women of the US military who are so bravely securing our right to Feigned Outrage, hypocrisy, double standards, and inane news topics. We can all take a deep breath. Sarah Palin has accepted David Letterman's apology. (M)
• Thank god we got rid of Bush and Cheney. A new era of transparency in government has finally arrived! (M)
• Prominent Republican Deviates from Party Norms by Having Affair with Woman. Glenn Murphy, Larry Craig, Mark Foley, and Ted Haggard all express their shock and dismay.(M)
  

FO News Roundup: June 15, 2009

• C'mon, Japan: have a heart. It's a shame that in some countries religion and a flawed healthcare system can interfere with the sensible practice of medicine. (P,M)
• "Yeah, the vote was rigged," says Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei. "By God." Does that make it OK? (P)
• Joe Biden's thoughts on the Iranian election result:"I have doubts but withhold comment." No, Joe, that's a comment. And thus the mystery of Joe Biden's uncontrollable gaping maw is explained. The man simply doesn't know that he's saying anything at all. (M)
• "The Holocaust didn't happen, but my reelection did." It's a tough life on the far side of the looking glass. (P)
• They're saying the jackass who shot up the Holocaust Museum in D.C. is a "neo-Nazi." But at 88 years of age, isn't he really just a regular Nazi? (P)
• Nixon went to China; Clinton enacted welfare reform; might it take a Democrat to curb medical malpractice lawsuits? (M)

FO News Roundup: June 8, 2009

The best news u can find 'anyWHERE on interNET'

• Funny what passes for good news these days: more jobs lost, but at a slower rate. I suppose we can thank Newton and Leibniz for this kind of analysis. Let's hope we're not reduced to celebrating a reduced rate of job loss acceleration anytime soon. (P)
• The Big Unit notched his 300th win the other night. Asked to comment from his perch on Some Other Temporal Plane, a certain bird said, "F**k him." (P)
• I'm so angry I could tweet! "Pres Obama you got nerve while u sightseeing in Paris to tell us 'time to deliver' on health care. We still on skedul/even workinWKEND." Really? Has it come to this? "Pres Obama while u sightseeing in Paris u said 'time to delivr on healthcare' When you are a 'hammer' u think evrything is NAIL I'm no NAIL." That's the sound of our democracy plummeting into the abyss. (M)
• Launching missiles, imprisoning Americans, threatening neighbors? Don't worry about it. President Obama is "going to take a very hard look at how we move forward on these issues." And some people were worried this guy was soft. (M)
• I thought we had kicked out the right-wing regime. At least the Bush administration never honored people who actually worked for the Nazi war machine. (M, P)