WHITECOLLAR REDNECK
I hope when he holds his obligatory apologetic press conference — the one in which he tearfully regrets ever having gotten close to marijuana — Michael Phelps will adopt the D.A.R.E. party line that "users are losers" by insisting that if he hadn't been all hopped up on dope he would have come home from Beijing with a dozen gold medals. Because otherwise, about thirty years of public service announcements trying to get kids to associate drugs with failure will have been wasted, or gone up in smoke (pick your preferred drug-related metaphor).
